11 October, 2013
They say we cannot choose our parents when we come into this world. Growing up I felt that keenly, but never understood that someday the inverse would also be true. We cannot choose our children. They are each unique individuals with their own unique personalities, for better or worse. In general, my son is a pretty easy-going guy. Like all children, he has his good moments, his bad ones and his downright ugly ones. He is not perfect, but neither am I. I try my best with him, and he's done a pretty good job of learning from me. But the one thing I could not have imagined was how much I would learn from him.
When he was two, sitting strapped tightly in his child safety seat he looked out the car window shading his eyes and said, “Mommy, I don’t want the sun looking at me!” And I thought to myself, How poetic…I would’ve never phrased the sun getting in my eyes that way. And when I insisted on lathering the fair, tender skin under his eyes with sunscreen (he has an awful propensity to burn right there), his eyes began to water and he cried out, “Mom, stop! My eyes are juicy!” Again, it made me smile and I thought, I should really take note of these moments, these precious one-liners before they slip through my fingertips and are gone forever. Out of the mouths of babes indeed. Without preconceived notions of how the world works or ‘proper’ grammar, they show us exactly how they perceive the world around them. Instinctively we want to ‘correct’ them, but quite honestly if we paid closer attention I think we could actually learn a thing or two.
I was incredibly shy when I was a child, but not my son. I beam with pride when he runs ahead of me at the grocery store and asks the produce man where the restroom is. I often look at him and ask myself, Whose child are you? Where did you get so much gumption? He is fearless. And I almost never hear him question himself. He never says, ‘Mom, I wish I were taller, or thinner, smarter, whatever…’ I marvel at his self-confidence, at what seems to be an innate sense of self-worth and I have to wonder how much of that comes from just him, and how much comes from him knowing how much I love and appreciate him. When he was four I remember sitting on the couch next to him intently looking at his profile, his large, innocent eyes staring at the TV across the room. I think we were watching The Wiggles. Whatever it was, I blurted out, “Don’t ever grow up! I want you to stay four forever!” I thought he’d ignore me and just go on watching, but apparently it made an impression even bigger than The Wiggles because he turned to me, hugged me and said, “Ok Mom, I’ll try.”
My son has taught me to be more open minded, more accepting of others in his own guileless appreciation of his peers. Instead of ridiculing the smartest kid in class, (as kids so often did when I was young) he told me the other day that he asked him for his autograph! They actually celebrate him in his class. News Flash! -Yesterday’s Nerd is today’s Rock Star! I was so pleased. How did these kids gain such wisdom at such a tender age? Or rather, when were we taught that being smart was something to be ashamed of? Apparently whoever came up with the word ‘nerd’ was not smart enough to be one.
He also reminds me of the lessons I have taught him and have forgotten to practice myself – “Mom, you need to be more patient!” Or, “Mom, you’re not listening!” And I have to pause and take note. He is right. He has made me a better person as well. As I learn to be more patient and understanding with him, I have learned to be more patient and understanding with others. I have also learned to be more accepting of the things I cannot control, and in exhibiting my calm over things I would have freaked out over in my youth, hopefully am teaching him how to cope in a better way as well.
Recently he asked me about a ‘bad’ word he had heard. I thought for a moment and decided I would rather teach him its meaning than pretend it did not exist. I would also rather him learn about it from me than from some less informed third party. So that is my new policy. He is now old enough to both understand and to listen when I say, “Never say that in public!” I may not always give him the full detailed definition, but at least the gist of it. I wouldn’t want him using it incorrectly. In teaching him these words, I also let him know (in my opinion) exactly just how ‘bad’ it is, when to never use it, or when it might actually be okay and even appropriate. It is a social skill we all must learn and navigate in life. In fact, I find it funny how using these ‘bad’ words becomes more and more acceptable as we get older, the lines between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ slightly blurring as we not only get older but gain more wisdom. The world is not black and white as children are often taught. Learning to understand these subtle differences is also a skill we all must learn and so why not help him rather than sweep the issue under the rug? In letting him know I believe he is mature enough for us to discuss these things like adults I’m hoping he will come to me first when he has a question and also respect and listen to me when I say, “Don’t EVER say that at school!”
The other day we were at Wahoo’s (fish taco restaurant for those who do not know). There was a sign on a lacquered surfboard propped against the wall that read, “MY MOMMY IS PUNK ROCK AND SHE EATS AT WAHOO’S”. I smiled. Yes, yes I am, I thought. And yes, yes I do.
I may not have been able to choose my son, but I have to say I feel pretty lucky to have gotten him. It’s such a crap shoot, you never know. All we can do is let them know we love them and help them - help them to be the best they are capable of. He is still young. I don’t know what he’ll become or exactly how he’ll turn out. I’m sure there will be many challenges ahead of us. But seeing how he’s turned out so far, I am proud of him and quite honestly, I am grateful to have him as my son. Hopefully one day he’ll have children of his own. And I feel pretty certain that one day he’ll understand this and feel the same way about them.
Having a child has also changed the way I view my own parents. Seeing what they went through has made me more understanding of them as well, and more than ever I am grateful to be their daughter. It is because of them that I received the education that I did. In fact, it is my mother who instilled in me a lifelong love of literature and who first gave me the writing tools I now have today (with which to express my gratitude). It may not be perfect, but it is heartfelt, as was her desire to have her own children be the best we could be. My father once told me, "Do what makes you happy." It may have taken me a while, but thanks for the advice Dad - I am finally taking it now.
